Archive for the ‘Feelings and Emotions’ Category

How Much Can a Girl Take?

I am starting to think the whole world is in on a big joke, and I’m the victim!  I had a late lunch today and turned on Dr. Phil while I ate my cornbread and bowl of vegetable soup.  The title of the show was something like “Big Family Surprise.”  Dr. Phil, his wife, two sons, and daughter in law were all up on the stage, and the announcement was that his beautiful daughter in law and son were expecting their first child.  Dr. Phil asked how they found out, and the daughter in law bragged about how it takes most couples six or seven months to get pregnant, but they got pregnant after only one month of trying.  I wanted to punch her.  Try 4 years with no success I thought!  And why was I torturing myself by watching this gross happy fest anyway?  Well, I decided I hadn’t suffered enough and continued to watch.  The daughter in law is one of a set of triplets, and Dr. Phil made another announcement later in the show that went something like this…  “And another exciting fact that you might be interested to know is that all three of the triplets are pregnant at this very moment!”  That’s when I turned the television off.

So Tired of Hurting

I’ve had a particularly bad week, and I just finished up my daily cry fest.  I feel like I have no control over anything that matters in my life.  I can’t help but feel I’m alone.  My husband is loving, he is a good man, he wants a child, and I love him dearly… but he just simply doesn’t hurt like I do.  If he does, he hides it very well.  It’s not that I want him to hurt.  It’s just that his casual attitude hurts me sometimes.  “We’ve got plenty of time” is a saying that I accepted from him for years, but it could get him hurt very soon.  Financially speaking, he wants to take time in between cycles, and he thinks I’m rushing.  We went in August, and I want to go back in December.  I feel like I’m making all of the financial sacrifices and emotional sacrifices because I am the one who is the most frantic.  Okay, so maybe I do want him to feel a little pain along with me.  The truth is, we only have a 40% chance of success each time we go, and I’m about to turn 30.  I only have one ovary, so I firmly believe that I have five years left to have a baby. 

Yesterday was a Sunday, so he was home all day.  I went into a depressed state of being, and finally fuddled into the bedroom to flop down on the bed and cry silently.  I’ve gotten good at that.  He was sweet to come check on me, but then he said the dumbest thing.  “What’s wrong?”  Really???????????????  I just replied that it is the same thing that’s always wrong, and it will be the same thing every time you feel the need to ask…so don’t.  For him, I think the problem is only there when I talk about it.  For me, it’s there every second of every day.  We have a good marriage with deep love, and it’s a good thing because infertility can really take a toll on a couple…especially when it leads you to travel to the other side of the world in a third world country to have your embryo implanted into a complete stranger and hope that she can carry and deliver it so that you can travel around the world again to pick the baby or babies up and go to a consulate to get a passport so that you can legally get your newborn back into your own country.

I grew up very close with my cousins because I was an only child.  There were three cousins who I was particularly close with.  They were like my brothers growing up really.  Damon, Stevie, and Chad are their names, and besides being my cousins they all have something else in common.  They are all expecting babies at this very moment!  Chad’s is due in November.  Oh boy:)  A newborn for the holidays.  Damon’s is due in January I believe, and Stevie’s is due in June.  These aren’t distant cousins that I will see once every couple of years.  I will be seeing all of them plenty, and while I don’t have some secret desire for the rest of the world to suffer like me, I do have a serious problem not crying around babies.  Although I’m happy for them, being around their babies will make me very sad.  It’s funny how everyone seems to be pregnant.  I’m actually surprised that one of my grandmas hasn’t made the big announcement that they are expecting.  It wouldn’t surprise me. 

And I think what is the most irritating is that whenever someone tells me that they are pregnant or that someone they know is pregnant, they always feel the need to tell me that it’s our turn!  “You and Daniel need to have a baby now.”  Of course they say it with kindness and mean no harm.  I have said that to people before too, but I can assure you that I never will again.  I can’t describe how I feel on the inside when someone says that.  For some reason the world seems to think that a couple’s reproduction intentions are public domain.  Newsflash…It’s personal, and it’s private!  Don’t ask.  If someone wants you to know that they are trying for a child they will tell you.  If they aren’t saying anything it could be for many different reasons, like because they are having marriage problems and don’t want to discuss it, or because they made an agreement to keep their private life private, or in our case… because they are having problems conceiving even though that is what they desire with every being of their soul, and your asking just makes them hurt even more. 

So seriously, don’t ask people when they are going to have kids.  Again, I used to ask that too, and I was clueless.  Most people get pregnant within one year of trying, so they have no concept of what we’re going through.  But since most people don’t realize that a couple’s reproductive plans are personal… I’m just putting it out there.  You’ve been notified:)  I’ve always chose to lie to people and say that we’re waiting for the right time financially.  I shouldn’t have been put in the position to lie.  I’ll be danged if I spill my most personal problems when I’m not ready to yet just because of someone’s curiosity.  Of course I’m spilling them now… but hopefully no one that I really know will come across this until I’m ready for them to.  I am getting closer, but I keep wanting to wait for some “positive” news.

Venting works.  I feel much better for the time being.